Eyes Wide Shut

Song of the Day: Jazzanova "L.O.V.E. and You and I"

I have been gone for a LOOOOOOOONG time...I had pretty much forgotten about this thing. But with a little bit of convincing from the homie, Cool AC, I figured that I might try my hand at this again. No long, comeback explanations...let's just jump into some things that are on my mind as of this moment...

So, everyone across America pretty much realizes that we are living in the midst of some very historic times. Barack Obama is pretty much on the verge of becoming the first Black president of the United States (if you believe the polls and don't think that the "Bradley" effect is going to come into play...look it up if you don't know what I am referring to). Barack Hussein Obama (whose middle name scares many people across the country) has really put together a movement over the past year and a half...pushing his message of "Change" and inspiring a whole generation of younger Americans to believe that the norms of this country's politics can possibly be broken...

With all of this in mind, I am very scared right now...honestly. It sounds very dramatic and many people would think that I am exaggerating. But really, there is a fear in my heart that I don't really think I have felt before. I don't fear people who are bigger than me...they can get beaten up just like me. I don't fear scary movies...there is just a part of me that says "hey, this is fake". The only things that I fear are heights and my mother's belt...and I am almost thirty years old. That fear has stuck with me...

But now, you can add this to the list. What I have begun to fear is...that things really have not changed as much as we would like to think they have. Over the past couple of weeks, if you look at the news, there are so many stories about people at these McCain/Palin rallies, where irrate Republicans are not chanting the three T's in relation to Barack Obama...traitor, treason and terrorist. There was even one woman who actually said "I hate Barack Obama...I heard that he is an Arab." I would have bet money that people had the common sense enough not to say things like that in 2008...I would have lost all of my money...

This morning, I was telling a couple of my cube neighbors here at work about my newfound fear. There are two people sharing the cube next to me...one Black, one white. And while the Black guys seems to understand where I am coming from with my fear, my white neighbor responds by saying "I don't understand how the negativity that Obama is receiving is any different than what John McCain is seeing." I was almost dumbfounded. Granted, there are definitely a large number of people out there who probably hate John McCain as well...I don't want to diminish his plight. But I replied that while John McCain may see his share of fanatics who are intently opposed to his bid for president, in terms of race, there are "probably" not as many people who are as fanatically opposed to McCain as there are people who are opposed to Obama...

And with that statement, I opened the floodgates...my cube neighbor responded that "you don't know that for sure...there could be way more people out there who are not voting for John McCain because of his race than there are who are not voting for Barack Obama because of his race. You don't have any proof to say one way or another." And I just sat there for a second...is it true that there are people out there who feel that race is working against John McCain like it is working against Barack Obama? And this is not saying that race is the only thing that people view negatively against Barack Obama...but to equate the racial treatment of Barack Obama and John McCain is borderline insulting...

Upon further prodding, I could not get my white co-worker to admit that race has the potential to hinder Barack Obama more than it would John McCain...I was almost about to die from disbelief!!!! I was difficult, to say the least, that someone out there actually felt that because I could not quantify racism or prejudice, then we cannot realistically say that it still affects certain aspects of the American psyche...

And because of that view, I am scared. See, I have wanted to give America some credit...at times. I am not the most patriotic person in the world...I will admit this. But that doesn't make me anti-American...or at least, I don't think it does. But in all reality, people still feel as they always have...if you don't support American wholeheartedly, then you are against America. If you look at the global picture, then you don't have our national interests in mind. And the one that I am going to add to the list is the new black-white, no shade of grey contrast that is being adopted across the country...if you don't admit to the existence of prejudice, then you can't prove that it exists...

I am scared because this is the approach that we are taking these days...if you don't admit to the problem, you can't say it exists. If we don't bring up race in this election, then it is not a factor. I knew that people thought like this...I just thought that this election might make people realize that was not the case. But people still refuse to admit that they think of race when it comes to Obama...they want to act as if they are voting on the issues. As if they are voting on character. As if they are voting on the true harbinger of change...

I feel like alot of people see the problem as it is...they just don't want to admit it. When someone says that they hate you and don't trust you because they think you are Arab...when your race/ethnicity determines your trustworthiness...race is an issue. When the fact that your father is Kenyan translates to a secret plot to give Kenyan politicians power in America, race is an issue. When being a two-term state senator of Illinois and a U.S. Senator makes you "inexperienced" but being a mayor of a town with the population of most mid-sized colleges and a two-year governor of Alaska, the state with the 47th largest population in the U.S. (out of 50), you are ready to lead because of your "executive experience", race is an issue. It is very easy to see that race is still an issue in America. What I am scared of is the fact that people don't admit it...

Modern Day Minstrels...

Song of the Day: Brother Jack McDuff's "Theme from Electric Surfboard"

...the news always gives you something to talk about...even if it is not particularly important to your own life...

So, unless you have been in stasis for the past couple of weeks, you know that Michael Vick of the Atlanta Falcons has been charged by the Federal government with various dogfighting charges, stemming from allegations that he and his associates executed underperforming dogs after their matches...

I was in the office, mentioning the case the other day when one of my super-conservative co-workers walks up on the conversation and states "I hope that they fry him." I stopped talking and looked at him like "damn, they haven't even convicted the man yet. What is the evidence they have against him?" He couldn't even tell me...he just stated that any man who could go around killing dogs deserved whatever punishment he received. This whole line of rationale was not surprising, given the other things that I had overheard my co-worker comment on before. But it definitely touched a nerve in me because this is reflective of so many things that are wrong with American society today...

You are sooooo guilty until proven innocent...this whole shift happened long ago. Especially if you are Black...there, I said it. We dance around the whole issue of race so much in the United States these days, you would swear that the concept of race does not still exist. White people would love Kobe Bryant and OJ Simpson again...Black people would love Rudy Gulliani...and we would all get along like one big happy family. But that dream has not come to fruition yet and we are in the situation that we currently find ourselves in...

The ultimate tragedy comes into play when you examine athletes in the legal system. You have these young men who America pins its hopes and dreams on. Every kid in America wants to play sports for a living...to sit up day in and day night, getting paid to do the thing that you love. Boys imagine walking down the street, being recognized by everyone they pass...able to possess anything they desire. Never wanting for anything...all resulting from possessing certain abilities. Some are born with it, some work years to get it. But overall, sports is one of the cornerstones of American culture...

But as a result of sport's importance to American society, athletes endure an existence different from any of almost anyone else alive. Athletes are transformed from people to possessions...a new-age indentured servitude, if you will. In exchange for their fortune and fame, athletes have to dance at will...perform on command. Their existence for the sake of the game has to almost supercede everything else...family, friends, safety, security, etc. "Why should any of those things matter", says the fanatical fan...athletes should only be motivated by the love of the game...

And this mentality causes the fans to often trivialize their favorite athletes...look at Ron Artest. If Ron Artest were walking down the streets of Queensbridge and someone threw a cup of anything in his face, we would say he was justified for beating the ish out of the person who hurled the projectile at him. But in the confines of the Palace at Auburn Hills, he is just another athlete at the fans' command...a minstrel of sorts. When he decides that he is a man before an athlete...a man who, like any other man, would not allow someone to assault him...he is villainized in the media...

Look at OJ Simpson...here is a man who was acquited by a jury of his "peers" over a decade ago. And today, in 2007, he can still get kicked out of a restaurant because someone doesn't want to serve him. Sounds alot like "we don't serve your kind here." Don't figure out how to work within the system because it really doesn't matter...the media and the public can villainize you regardless...

In 2004, I don't think that the world could have hated the United States more than it did. We had just invaded Iraq in the prior year, under the guise of searching for weapons of mass destruction. Against the advice of the United Nations, we stormed into Iraq, overthrowing their government and entering into an unpopular war, similar to Vietnam. When the Olympics rolled around, you had a number of NBA players who were concerned for their safety, to say the least. The United States was not the most liked country on the world stage. Yet, to the fans, this was irrelevant...for the millions of dollars that athletes earned a year, they had a debt they needed to pay for residing in the richest country in the world. Fans turned on athletes the second that they said they did not want to perform, despite the safety rationale. After all, we all should want to die for this country...even if they would be dying for basketball...

I need these athletes to realize their worth...these are individuals who provide America with entertainment, day in and day out. These are people who keep America's economy going, selling everything under the sun simply by tacking their names to it. These are the men and women who instill pride into their cities by providing a symbol of excellence that people can rally behind every week of the season. Yet, when these athletes find themselves subjected to the same problems as everyday men and they are revealed to be as ordinary as us, that is when the true opinion and view of these indivduals comes to the light. Stop tap-dancing for these people, athletes...or rather, end-zone dancing. Stepin Fetchit has turned into Stepin Catchit...

Finding Forever...

The Commodores "Easy Like Sunday Morning"

...and yes, he is finally back. And yes, I really don't have any excuse as to why it has taken me this long to write on here. And yes, I have tried to write a number of things to reintroduce me to the blogging word. Instead, I have settled on this...

This year has been hard...not as in 2007, but as in this rolling year. The past 12 months...365 days...however many hours (I am just too lazy to calculate it right now). But what can you do but just look back at it, sigh and keep it moving...and that is what I am trying to do now. I plan to be back for good at this point...I have wanted to come back to this page for so long right now, and I just said "make it happen"...

I actually get pissed off in real life when people pop in and pop out of existence, nowhere to be found for extremely long periods of time. One of my boys actually is the master...the ayatollah...the dalai lama...the grand puba of this type of behavior. I actually confronted him on his penchant for appearing and disappearing at the drop of a dime. And I pretty much did the exact same thing that he did...

On one instance that he pulled his best Houdini impersonation, he wrote me an e-mail after months and months of not seeing each other and it read something like "fellas, I have been growing, learning, experiencing, teaching, improving and living since you last talked to me." And at the time, I was like "man, this fool is really going on a monologue right now." But I feel like saying all of these same words at this point in my life...

So, here I am...no real topic to delve into right now. Nothing of significance that I want to ponder...just writing to make myself get back into this. I feel like I have walked through heaven and hell this year...probably the hardest year that I have been through in life. There have been altercations, love-hate, death, hardship, disappointment, setbacks...and that was all probably last week. But seriously, I think that we all hit these defining moments in our lives where things align in such a way that you are forced to choose how you are going to approach your life. I had about three defining moments this year...walking away from my best friend and the death of two of my close friends...

I have cried more in the past 6 months than I have in my entire life...and I can admit that. We all like to feel as if we are like Atlas...we can walk around carrying the world on our shoulders, bearing the burdens that we have always known and not be phased by it. After all, if we can carry these burdens, aren't we stronger for doing so? Isn't that what proves your will?

I would say no. Burden doesn't define you...it hampers you. Pain doesn't always reveal your strength...sometimes, it just highlights your weakness. I would have to admit that there are alot of things in life that I have held onto that I should have let go of. But don't we all do that...I think that is the state of the times that we live in. We all are living through our own personal trials and tribulations each day, intent on not letting it show for the world to see. We are sitting dealing with disappointment, insecurities, anger...and in my opinion, we refuse to let it go...

On the real, I think that people define their lives by pain. If you look in the Bible (and I know this is crazy for me to pull out religious references...but it is what it is), all of the descendants of Adam and Eve were destined to live outside of the Garden of Eden. The desire for knowledge and the unwillingness to accept life as it is was the doom of that situation. And in everyday terms, we carry alot of weight on ourselves...partially because the world is just how it is. But also in part because our refusal to accept that the world is how it is...

Though I am taking all of these tangents, I am saying this because in the process of losing two of my close friends recently, I found myself constantly trying to find the meaning behind it all. How could two close friends die within months of each other...how is it that I saw both of them before they passed? There were alot of questions that ran through my mind constantly after they passed. And part of my hurt...part of my pain...was that I couldn't figure out an answer...

At the funeral for my boy, Bernard, about 6-7 months ago, I was gone. I felt really heartless...as if someone had snatched it out of my chest. I actually wrote about his passing...it was one of the last posts that I did on this page. Well, about a month ago, my friend Kenya was killed in a car accident also...she came to visit me about two months earlier...

I couldn't find a reason as to why this happened to either of them...why it was happening to me. I looked at Bernard's one year old son during his funeral and I felt dead...hurt that my friend...his father...didn't have anymore time to spend with him. And during that funeral, I asked myself "I wonder if Bernard went after everything in life that he wanted to go after." And I am pretty sure that his answer would be no...when I talked to him a couple of months before, he had so many plans about what he was going to do with his son and the things that he needed to get moving on. Right before Kenya passed, she actually came across an opportunity that I would say was "destined" to come her way...and she didn't act on it. And so, I had to ask myself "have I gone after everything that I want to go after? Have I acted on the opportunities that I should have?" And my answer would be no...

We sometimes look at our lives and wonder how long do we have to make our mark...how long do we have before our light comes to a close. And we don't know...none of us do. But by knowing that, do we act any differently? You don't know if you are going to be here today and gone tomorrow...does it really affect anyone's behavior or thinking? I would say that it generally doesn't...but I would say that it definitely should. I am sure that if Bernard knew when he was going to die, he would have done alot of things differently. If you had asked Kenya, she probably would have done things differently if she knew when her death would come...

Though we always look at life relatively...people who die in their 20's die before their time while people who die in their 80's have lived a full life...our lifetimes are really nothing. What percentage of eternity is 80 years? What percentage of forever is your lifetime? Nothing...you can't even round it up to be something. Yet, the ultimate irony is that everything you do will affect everything to come. So while you are not even really here, everything hinges on the decisions that you make...

And sometimes, I think it is that thought that motivates some people...it is actually kinda starting to motivate me. When I die, will I have gone after everything that I wanted to do? What part of forever will result from me? I don't really know at this point but I do know that all you really have is now to go after what you want...

Time waits for no one...I just told one of my friends last month that opportunity does not always come knocking for you. Sometimes, you have to put yourself in the presence of opportunity. That is what we have to do...so that you are a part of forever, you sometimes have to make your own opportunities. So these days, I putting down burdens and picking up opportunities. Alot of people have told me as of late that I seem like a different person...and I am. Experience molds you into the person that you are. And my experiences have told me that you may not always have a lifetime to influence how you are looked at forever...

The Wire Syndrome

Song of the Day: John Coltrane “Equinox”

So, as late as I am, I have finally been getting into the HBO series, the Wire. I have to commend HBO for its original programming…I have been highly impressed by shows like Oz, the Sopranos, the Wire, etc. I even watched a couple of episodes of Entourage, which were very entertaining. I think it is the fact that we get such an uncensored view into these various lifestyles that makes the shows so interesting. On regular network programming, you could not discuss a number of the topics and issues that are covered in such great detail and accuracy as they are on the HBO programming…

Well, I was talking to one of my friends the other day about the Wire and how I was so impressed by the show. I seem to catch onto all of these shows late. I did catch onto Oz around the 2nd season, but still not in the initial phase. Anyway, I started talking about the various storylines that were going along with each character and how they tied all of the people in and the turns and cliffhangers that I was expecting in the show’s season finale. She responded by saying that she refused to watch the show. I was confused. I can understand it when people say that they just haven’t gotten into a show yet…sometimes, a show’s times coincide with something else that you watch during that time. Sometimes, you did not see the premier and just did not want to jump into the show after it had already been established in terms of plot and storyline. Sometimes, the show just doesn’t seem interesting until someone tells you that it is good…

In this case, she actually told me that she refused to watch the show. I usually find this the case when someone objects to the show’s premise or subject matter…when something is just so offensive that you don’t want to be entertained by it. When I asked her as to the reason why she didn’t watch it, she replied that she didn’t watch it because of the kids in the show. When she elaborated, she commented that she opposed to shows that portrayed children and young adults living in the type of conditions where the show was set.

And I was kinda taken back by that. I understand that they do have the children in the show living in some very harsh conditions and adverse circumstances…but that is real life. Kids really do live like that everyday…there are kids who live near me that probably live like that. So it is not something that is repulsive to me…it is something that is tragic to me. But I can’t say that I turn my head to tragic circumstances rather than to acknowledge they exist…and after all, this is a television show, not reality TV…

But after she made those comments, I was reading the news at www.news.bbc.co.uk. It is pretty much the most unbiased news reporting that you can find these days. And what I especially like about it is how it is formatted and organized. The news is broken out by continent, so that you can focus on specific areas of the world rather than just depending on a particular organization to tell you what is the most important story to focus on…

In reading BBC News, I mostly read the news that surrounds African nations. The reason for this is that I believe Africa is often neglected in terms of news coverage and ignored here in the United States in order to focus on more sensational stories. But the news that comes out of Africa is just as serious as anything else that is going on in the world. The peace talks in Uganda, the withdrawal of relief workers in the Sudan, the toxic waste spill in the Ivory Coast, the conflict in Somalia and the implications of that conflict on Ethiopia and Eritrea, the AIDS epidemic in South Africa, the corruption allegations in Kenya…these things have impacts on us whether we realize them or not. These are all people of the world…we are not as removed from these problems as we try to make ourselves believe…

One story in particular that I read was this one, http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/in_depth/6175571.stm, where it takes a look at the vast amounts of money that was raised after a number of global natural disasters and how that money has not been distributed evenly. The countries that were affected by the tsunami received 475 percent more money than they required to deal with the response to the disaster…that averaged about $1,241 per person who donated humanitarian aid to the tsunami relief, as compared to the $27 per person donated to help with relief to Chad, Guyana, Ivory Coast, Malawi and Niger. Forty times the amount of press was given to Hurricane Katrina than Hurricane Stan, which struck Guatemala soon after Katrina hit the US and killed 300 more people.

The thing that kills me is this…we are living in 2006. Fifty years ago, most Americans would have to get all of their news from the newspaper in their local cities and towns. Today, you can get a subscription to any newspaper from any city in the US…you can get 30 channels of news…you can find any news organization in the world online in seconds. And we are more uninformed than ever…

My belief is that we are so uninformed for the same reason that my friend doesn’t watch the Wire…we would rather not see the things that we don’t like. So we turn our heads from many of the problems plaguing the global community these days…we turn our heads from many of the problems plaguing our local communities. I don’t know if it is apathy or what but we are truly content with the state of things in the world today…

We can hold our politicians accountable for confronting issues such as gay marriage, abortion, immigration to the US, etc…all because we personalize these issues and make them a priority for our representatives. But since we don’t feel the pains of others…we don’t put ourselves inside of the shoes of people in other places and other circumstances…we don’t push for that same involvement from our leaders into matters that we feel don’t concern us…

And this is not just for foreign issues…this is for everything. We don’t care about police brutality until we personalize it…until Sean Bell’s die and we say “hey, I went to a bachelor party last week…that could have been me” or “hey, I am Black…that could have been me.” We don’t want to look at the things that repulse us…we don’t like to watch the things that we don’t like. But just like the Wire, the show goes on whether you watch or not…changing the channel does not stop that. Just as not watching the news and not voting and every other thing that we refuse to do because we don’t like the situations or the outcomes does not stop that. Stay tuned people and stay informed…the show goes on regardless…

No More Red Bull for Me...

Song of the Day: Wynton Marsalis “Sunflowers”

So I definitely realize that I have not been writing on this thing as much as I used to…I have pretty much fallen off on it throughout the past 6 months. A lot of stuff has been happening…life has been happening…

I am glad to say that I actually got a new job almost two months ago. My old job was adding a lot of stress to my life. To be more accurate, my old manager was adding a lot of stress to my life. Sometimes, I feel like the professional environment was not created with people like me in mind. I feel like I am a rather straight-up person…I don’t fake and put on a façade just to advance myself in the work place. And to be real, you have to be able to do that sometimes. That is where my difficulties lie…so that made my life very hard for the months preceding my departure from my last position. But the move has been great…I am working with some good people and things have been working out pretty well since the jump. There are always things that could be improved with anything in life, but I am satisfied with the move that I made…

So there have been some ups in the past few months that have really helped to pull me up a little bit. But as with all ups, there are definitely downs. I have had some issues with various people over this second half of the year…some of my issues being very serious. And just being an adult, your issues are sometimes magnified by principles and etiquette…I have to be vague with that one because it is what it is. You can’t broadcast all of your biz on the Internet…

But the one big down as of late has been one of a tragic nature. One of my best friends from high school…one of my brothers…passed away the day before Thanksgiving. He died in a car accident. When I first heard the news, I really couldn’t believe it…it couldn’t be possible. We were too young…that is not meant to happen to people our age. We still had too much to do. But death doesn’t work on my schedule…it works on its own schedule. He had a son, who was one-year old…he still had to raise his son. Every thought…every reason…every argument as to why it shouldn’t have been him went through my head. But then it hit me that this was real and this was final…there was no more arguing to be done. And when it hit me, it hit me hard…

I think I cried off and on for about two days straight…to tell you the truth, I still cry about it. Just when you feel like you have it out of your system, you find that reservoir of hurt and pain that you didn’t know was hiding down there and those tears come up again. For a second, I couldn’t tell anyone about it without crying…I would be on the phone giving the news to my family and friends and while they were hearing the news on their end, I was silently dying on the other end. That’s not how it was supposed to end…

I flew back home for his funeral…I had to. If I had to walk, I would have been at that funeral. I felt like we all had to get there…all of us who even considered ourselves to be friends, we had to be there. I was actually very upset for a second because within our group of friends, we actually have one friend who likes to “disappear” from time to time…he likes to step away from everyone he knows. Who knows the reason why…maybe he feels that his friends hold him back at times from doing what he needs to do. Maybe he needs time to himself. Maybe he has issues with us. I don’t know…but I did know one thing. He was not going to miss this funeral. If I had to drag him in there kicking and screaming, there is no way he could do my boy like that…there is no way that whatever issue he had with us should keep him from that funeral. Luckily for him, someone tracked him down before I had to resort to my “drastic” measures…

I went to both the viewing of the body and the funeral. At the viewing, I was okay. I looked at him, laying in that casket. Dressed in his suit…he looked like himself. No one had to go through extraordinary means to make him look natural…he looked like himself. So when I laid eyes upon him, he seemed like he was sleeping…he seemed natural and peaceful. And that got me through the viewing. I cried a little bit because my mind wouldn’t let me delude myself that he wasn’t dead…but just looking at him, looking natural, made me feel a little better…

The funeral was the day following the viewing. That was one of the hardest things I have done in my life…attend that funeral. But it was not for me…it was for him. My boy deserved that…he deserved to have his brothers there with him. I rode to the funeral with my younger brother…I didn’t really let my mind even drift to the funeral on the ride there. But once we arrived at the chapel, the realism began to set in and I realized that I was getting ready to say goodbye for the last time...
Walking into the chapel, I was running into scores of friends that I had not seen in almost a decade…a lot of people looking the same, but I knew that none of us were truly the same people that we were. We all had gone through a lot since the last time we saw each other…we were going through a lot at that second. Someone said something about my boy who passed and I immediately started crying. I was silent behind the door to the entrance of the chapel, hoping no one would see me crying. I kept thinking that there must be something going on with me…I have probably cried more in the past two months than I have in the past ten years of my life. I joke with people and say that I am PMSing, but in all reality, things are changing. Maybe I felt it coming…who knows…

Inside of the chapel, there was almost no room for the masses of people who showed up to say goodbye to him one last time. A row of folding chairs was setup in the aisle running down the middle of the chapel…the guys gave up their seats to the women and children in the church. We stood along the walls of the church to pay our last respects…I almost didn’t go in. I was scared to do it but I knew I had to do it…

The service was long…extremely long. The actual service itself took two and half hours…my brother commented on it following the service. But when he said something about it, I looked at him and said that I didn’t mind. If people didn’t say what they wanted at that point in time, when would they ever get the chance to say it? So we listened patiently to person after person who had some memorable moment in their mind that defined their relationship with my boy. I looked over into the pews and my best friend from high school was sitting a couple of rows in front of where I was standing. You could tell she had been crying from the second that she got to the church…we were all so close to each other…

At one point in the service, she must have heard something that really got to her. She stood up, crying uncontrollably and ran over to me. I grabbed her and hugged her…I was trying to keep from crying because I felt like I had to hold her together. But then as I turn to another one of my friends…one of my brothers…who was standing behind me, he was crying too. So I gave him a hug too…this was not how it was supposed to end…

When the service began to end, the casket was opened so that everyone got a last chance to look at him…a last chance to remember his face. And my heart was hurting…it is hard to not walk by someone close to you…someone so young…and not feel like you are dying too. I returned to the back of the chapel after walking by the casket…his coffin…and when I looked toward the front of the church where the casket was located, I turned just in time to see them close the casket. That made it final…

We went to the cemetery behind the chapel, where he was buried. A few words were said, a prayer was made…and he was lowered into the ground. I felt bad because afterwards, I tried to do things to take my mind off of it. I tried to talk to everyone…to organize a way for all of the friends to meet after the funeral. It was sad that it took a death amongst us to bring all of us back together. But I felt bad because it felt like I had moved on with other things to do instead of thinking about my boy. My thoughts should have been on him instead of where we were going to eat after the funeral. But I wouldn’t have made it if I hadn’t thought about something else…

On the day that I was to return to DC, I made my rounds around town to see friends and family that I hadn’t seen in a while. And one of the places that I stopped was over my cousins’ house…we are a pretty close family and I would have been talked about from now to infinity had I come home and not seen them…

So while I was over my cousins’ house, my mother was sitting beside me as my cousins asked me some general catch-up questions and then we started talking about new music and computers. While this conversation was going on, my mother was sitting in her spot on the couch, sipping her Rockstar energy drink. One of my cousins looks at her and asks what she was drinking. She told him that she had gotten the drink from one of her co-workers because she was told that it would help boost her energy and make her feel better…though she said that she really didn’t feel a difference. With a disapproving look, my cousin stares at her and states how he hates drinks like that. He starts rattling off all of the energy drink names…Red Bull, Rockstar, etc. He talks about how he just can get with drinks that affect your heart rate and try to boost your metabolism. Then he adds, “life already goes fast enough…why would I want something to make it go any faster?”

If you asked anyone else who was there, no one probably remembers any of that…it was such a trivial conversation that it probably did not stick in anyone’s mind. But it stuck in my mind. These days so much stuff that happens that makes you realize how fast life is going. I wake up nowadays and think to myself how fast the days move…seems like yesterday that it was this time last year. Things from your youth seem antique…everything seems different. And we always feel like we are not doing all of the things that we should be doing…financially, emotionally, physically, spiritually and mentally. We are not making the money that we should be making…we want to work more hours to get that income that we feel we need. We are not in the relationships that we want to have…we consume our time with trying to find that one person who we will settle down with. We are dissatisfied with ourselves…so we hit the gym 8 times a week to get that body that we want. We are always looking so far ahead and never looking at what is going on right here…right now…

Everything is changing…it is always changing. It takes things like death to help us see how things never stay the same. Life moves very fast…and sometimes, we don’t take the time out to do the things that we could have…we should have done today. Money is going to exist tomorrow…it is not going out of style anytime soon. The club will be there tomorrow. The gym will be there tomorrow. If you haven’t hung out with your friends in a second, call them up and just say “what are you doing tonight?” If you haven’t spoken to your friends in a second, pick up that phone and just say “I was just calling to say what’s up.”…

I heard all types of things at the funeral…how much people loved my boy…how much he meant to their lives…how much they were going to miss him. All of that is probably true. But how many of those people told him that before he died? I might not have spoken to him everyday, but the last time I saw him, I did tell him that I loved him…and he told me that he loved me. That was my brother…all of our experiences together defined us. I am glad that I told him the most important thing I had to say to him before he passed. But I definitely haven’t done it for everyone…but I am going to try. Until then, no more Red Bull for me…life is definitely moving too fast for me right now. If it slows down for the next 40 to 50 years, I am sure that I will be just fine…

Love Is...And Love Is Not...

Song of the Day: Gota “European Comfort”

Must be the weather today…it is raining cats and dogs. But anyway, I don’t know if everyone else gets into these moods on rainy days…those moods that you really can’t pull yourself out of, no matter how hard you try. I get into them all of the time. Sometimes, you really just don’t even want to show your face to the world…you don’t really want to talk to anyone. You just want to be to yourself…that is what is going on with me today…

I haven’t written on here in a while…I haven’t had much positive to write. To update you all on a few things, I have gotten a new job…so I am no longer complaining about the situation that I was in. Much closer to home, big pay increase…nothing really negative about the situation. You would think news like that, everything would be looking up for me. But I feel like the opposite is actually true…I feel like now, I am at my lowest…

The reason for my mood is uncertainty. Uncertainty is what gets us through life. Part of the reason that we keep pressing on with our existence is because we have no idea of what lies next for us…we don’t know where that next step is going to take us. So we step blindly the whole way through life, not knowing which step is going to be the last one. It could be one, it could be one thousand. And we always hope that it is one thousand. But with each step you take, the chances that you have one thousand more diminish each time…

A bit depressing…yes. The point that I am making is that when we get further along with our path through life, we begin to realize that the possibility of certain things diminishes over time. Our hoop dreams, career aspirations, et cetera seem less likely as we reach those later years. But the things that seems to scare us most is the diminishing chance of love over time…

Love…one of those vague concepts. Everytime you fall in love, it is supposedly different. And if it is different for each person that you fall in love with, why shouldn’t we assume that love is different for all people. So if it is different for all people, how does anyone know what love really is? How do we know what happiness really is? How do we know what sadness really is? We assume that it is the same for everyone else as it is for us. So if your are crying and I usually cry when I am sad, then you must be sad…

So the same should go for love, right??? If you are in love, then you should do the same things that I would do if I was in love. But that is never the case. Love makes you do some crazy things. In extreme cases, it is often hard to figure out how love operates. When you are extremely sad, everyone knows it because you would do the same things and feel the same way if you were sad. You would cry and be reclusive/withdrawn. If you were extremely happy, you would jump for joy and be ecstatic. But if you were extremely in love, that means something different to everyone. Extreme love has caused people to sacrifice themselves for another. But at the same time, extremely love has caused people to kill the ones that they love. Love is not universal…love is a language that is different for everyone.

So the thing that I have found that I have to learn is to have no expectations of love. Love can be the greatest thing in the world and can be the worst thing in the world. And I would imagine that because of that duality, that is what makes love so human. Duality is what defines man. Good and evil. Right and wrong. Love and hate. The fact that two completely opposite concepts can exist within a person is what makes us human…

I honestly don’t know if I believe in love anymore…I don’t know if it is a true emotion or not. When you are mad at someone, there is no ambiguity to it. When you are happy or sad, there is really one way to interpret it. But when you are in love, you sometimes really don’t know what to feel. We convince ourselves that it is love but it is more than likely another case of us trying to explain the unexplainable. Love is confusion in all likelihood…love is uncertainty. You don’t know if every step you take, whether or not you are really in love or if love is passing you by. Love is ambiguous and love is uncertain.

I hope that love ends in happiness…but I don’t really have faith in that anymore. Because love is ambiguous. Love is not always what it seems. And if love is the source of the greatest joy and the worst pain, does it always balance out? Is it worth it? I really don’t know anymore…

The Revelations of Pettiness...

Song of the Day: Janet Jackson "Take Care"

...I know my boy, the Great, would be extra proud at my choice for the song of the day. I am just really feeling that song right now...I was actually surprised that Janet could still make songs like this, especially after that mess she has with Nelly right now. Hands down garbage...

Anyway, I know I have been gone a while. There has just been alot going on with me. Issues at the job, issues in life...it just becomes alot to handle at times. So I kinda fell back. I needed some time to just let things soak in. You can't really predict life and sometimes it just hits you with things that you are not ready for...

So I am being vague...two tears in a bucket. I am kinda torn right now because there are certain things in my life that are going well (finally), and there are certain things that are going horribly. So I guess that is balanced, in a very unorthodox definition of the word. But these days, even though things could be considered somewhat balanced, I don't feel as if they are. I find it hard to not feel like things are going in the wrong direction these days...

First and foremost, I got a new job. Some people who read this know about some of my issues at work, but let's just say that most of this year has been tough to cope with at work. And what makes matters worse is that I feel that I am a fighter...and as a fighter, I can't stand around and let alot of people walk over me. So when that fighter mentality comes out against people who hold higher positions than you, that presents a multitude of problems...

So I have made it out...after many months of being patient and trying to make moves, I am finally moving onto new and better things. And not a second too soon...the car is about to give out, money is getting kinda tight and I really wasn't seeing an end in sight. But all things happen for a reason, right???

So it is with that in mind that I have to wonder why the other side of the coin is going on. There are a couple of people who might read this and know what I am talking about...so I hope they don't take this in a way different than I intend it...

Recently, I had a talk with some of my boys. Actually, they are like my brothers...I consider them that close to me. I have actual brothers so I know what it means to put that unconditional faith into someone. With my blood brothers, there is nothing that I would not do for them. Me and one of my brothers actually were about to get into a fight with each other last month when I went back home...and we were talking again like nothing happened a few hours later. We have a closeness that can't be explained. That is how I feel about these friends...

But when I had this talk with my boys, I was told that I have a reputation for being "petty", and that later was adjusted to be "hyper-sensitive" (more than likely to spare my feelings). To tell you the truth, I was kinda offended by it. I was not mad at them because your opinion is your opinion. But at the same time, I was kinda hurt to be viewed as something which, in my opinion, is a huge character flaw...

I kinda pride myself on being a "righteous" person, whatever that means nowadays. I make alot of effort to be a person who does what he feels is "right". But many times, my decisions end up alienating me from alot of people. I try to stick to my principles on alot of matters and, as a result, I realize that I push alot of people away from me at different points in my life. Not in an effort to be antagonistic, but rather in an attempt to stand up for myself in many instances...

But I could see where they would interpret some of my actions as petty. After all, "petty" is when we define an action as being trivial in the whole scheme of things. But in the end, most things that we can't relate to or associate with are things that we deem "petty" in our minds. So what does it mean when someone else calls you "petty". It means that they can't relate to or find the importance in what you feel. And we all do that in some sense...

The "hyper-sensitive" part...I may actually agree with them on that one. Many things actually hurt me...alot of things get to me. I just try to not act on them...I try to seem as if I am not phased by them. But as it was brought to my attention, the fact that you did not act on your feelings does not excuse you from being sensitive...the fact that you feel how you feel is what makes you sensitive. Therefore, I can't deny that I am sensitive...

And that is where my big problems lie. What I am mainly hurt by is when I place importance on things that other people don't feel are important in the least. So in a sense, I am probably the most "petty" person you can meet. I feel that lately, I have found alot of things important that no one else gives a shit about. And that kills me. I suck it up...the world does not stop moving just because you are sulking around. But at the same time, it gets harder to wake up everyday, feeling like the things that you feel or the things that concern you are trivial...that you are trivial. And I can't deny...sometimes I fall victim to feeling that way...

No need to concern yourselves about this little rant, readers...I am okay. I just have to pull myself up sometimes...pull myself up from these little funks. But despite all of the good things that I realize that are going on in my life, I can't help but feeling like everything is going wrong. The part that really makes you feel worse is that you start realizing that how you are feeling is trivial to everyone except you...

You see that even people that you considered closest to you disregard you when the stars align in a certain way...in the end, we all are the center of our universes and most things are trivial to others. When it starts to get to you is when this whole thing changes from just ranting and theory into reality. When you see that certain people really don't give a shit about you...when it become reality instead of speculation. So am I petty for talking about this...probably. Why...because it doesn't mean anything to the people that I am referring to. So in the end, I guess I have to let go of all of these feelings that no one really cares about in order to get on with my life. And that is what I intend to do...this is the sign of the times for me. This is my reality check and opens my eyes to the state of things at this moment...thanks for reading...